Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The tiny little love I have for Him...

John 21: 15-19

Jesus: Peter, do you "agape" with Me?

Peter: (remember about what just happen times ago while he betray Jesus, with a slow voice he answer): Jesus.. You knows everything. I am "filia" to You.

Jesus eat and silent for a moment... and He look at Peter and asked Peter once more...

Jesus: Peter, do you "agape" with me?

Peter looking at Jesus sadly: Jesus... You knows everything.. I can only "filia" to You." *sob*

Jesus... eating and looking at Peter, loving him with His eyes, accept Peter with His loving hand and asked..

Jesus: Peter, do you "filia" with me?

Jesus lowering the love standar to the capacity that Peter has...

Peter *sob sob* crying and said, "Jesus, You knows everything... You KNOW that I am only "filia" to You."

Jesus accept Peter's capacity of love.
And Jesus accept the capacity of love we have to Him.

**Agape: the unlimited love, the perfect love from God
Filia: the friendship love**

This story is not a new story for me, and I had heard this again and again. But it just never grow in my heart until today when my young pastor (thanks, Ramon!) tell this story again (with his funny style). And I almost cried when I heard that. (and I hate crying in front of people or in the middle of the service. hahahha).

I just somehow KNOW that I am a lover person.

I love someone romantically in my own way. In a unique way. I express my feeling in my art the most.

And a really introvert person in the same way.

But since I know Jesus the 1st time, I just know I am falling in love with Him. With a teenager love. A love full with fire and excitement.

But time goes by.
Life is hard.
Too much valley.
Questions with no answers.
Anger. Disappointment. Tears.

I share to look for answers.
The answers I got is judgment.
And it's not acceptable for an introvert side of me.
I feel betrayed.

And once I realize again that it is just as simple as God loves me, still it's not release me yet.

I start to realize that the love I have for God is "that low".
And easily flow away by the wind.
I feel bad. I feel sad. I feel I am not worth enough.

One nite, I share with my hubby that I wanna love Him.
Not only love Him, I wanna falling in love with Him.
More than that I wanna deeper ... deeper ... deeper... drawn... until I can no longer breath without Him.
But I KNOW I can't.
I don't have that huge capacity to love Him that much.
And in the middle of night, tears are falling down while no one knows.

I sleep with a teary eyes.

I want to love Him. I want to love Him. I want to love Him.
God I wanna love You... You and You alone.

And God listen to me.
He listen to the sounds of my heart.

I just need to take 1 step to God, and He will RUN to me..
He will run a thousand miles to me.. and to you.

One day past and I start to love Him again.
Not with a HUGE love like I wish of course, but I know I start to love Him again.
I just know it wasn't me. It is HIM that makes me loves Him.
And the day after, I love HIM more.

Miss You in the morning, love You all day long, and thinking of You at the night.

And today, I know He accept my love in the capacity that I have.
This looow love that I have for Him.
That tiny little love that I have for Him.
And it's it enough for Him.

To know He loves me.
..that is enough.

how big is your love to God?
or maybe I should asked, how small is your love to God?
believe me it is enough.

Kitty Designs - Pig A Boo Barnyard


Stacey Jewell Stahl said... Best Blogger Tips

Kitty, your heart is so lovely and pure that you are such an inspiration. This was so beautiful to read that I have tears in my eyes.

<3 Stacey

Julia said... Best Blogger Tips


Tiffany said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you for these words. My faith has not been strong for a long time, and this really speaks to me.

Ellas Ellagance said... Best Blogger Tips

Kitty this is beautiful and really makes you think. His love is so huge, so complete, so perfect...and our love is small and fleeting. Thankfully he understands and our small love is enough.

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